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BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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I am working on an essay on home-town celebrities. I thought it was going
to be pretty good, until I realized that the biggest local celebrity we
have down here in Tampa is radio shock-jock Bubba the Love Sponge. If you
are lucky, you have not heard of him. In short, Bubba makes Howard Stern
look like a choir boy.
You see, if Stan DeFreitas is Mr. Greenthumb, then I am the antithesis: Mr. Brownthumb. My motto is, "If it grows in the dirt, I can kill it." Now, that is not intentional; I'm a lover, not a fighter. But apparently, it is something in the genes. It started when I moved into my first kinda-like-a-house. Actually, it was a double-wide. No, it was more like a single-wide. In fact, it was an 8 by 48 mobile home. I called it the Little Oven.
Can you believe it? I actually lived in that over-sized tin can for over a year and a half! I know why they call them mobile homes. The first summer I lived in the Little Oven, we had a record rainfall. I don't want to complain, but that summer my zip code changed three times. Gees, it was an awful existence. But... that made me appreciate even more the modest digs I inhabit today. Anyway, as a house-warming gift (not that the Little Oven needed any warming), a friend gave me a plant -- a philodendron, I think. She said, "All you have to do is water it; you can't kill it." Famous last words. I blamed it on the heat inside the Little Oven. But truth be told, I over-watered it; or under-watered it -- the symptoms are the same, as is the result. My philodendron lived less than a year. Anyway, it did not matter much in the Little Oven. There was barely enough room for me to breath, much less a house plant. The Little Oven was so small... and please forgive me for the graphic description... that when you sat down on the toilet, your rear-end jutted into the bedroom, and your nose penetrated the kitchen. But when I moved into a real house -- one that did not rock & roll to the rhythm of the rain -- it was a different matter. This one actually had a front and a back yard. And flowers and trees. (The key word here being "had," as in the past tense of the verb "has.") The yard on the side of the house should be ideal for growing stuff. It gets plenty of sun; there is a hose connection near by. And, after all, this is Florida, not the snows of Kilimanjaro.
Oh, it is still very much alive. But it looks like the poster child for greenhouse anorexia. I donno.... I haven't the slightest idea. And THAT is my success story!
 Down near the end of the driveway there was a large palm tree. You know, the things for which Florida is famous. They are all over.
My kinda of green thing. This is mine, the day I brought it home:
It cost me 20 bucks. Then I paid 10 more for the mulch and stone trim around it. And of course, water, fertilizer, loving care, a-yada-yada-yada. Last month I noticed some light white dust on the fronds. Then a little more. I figured it was mold... or cocaine. Nah; probably mold.
Last Sunday I tried to call Mr. Greenthumb and ask for his advice. But the answering machine at the radio station said that they were playing reruns while Stan solved world hunger... or whatever. I was on my own. So I went back to the nursery where I have purchased my palm. As soon as the words "Sega Palm" left my lips, the lovely horticulturist on duty was nodding her head. "White dust," she said. "Yep; cocaine, perhaps?" I asked, in jest. No; she frowned. This was no laughing matter. The white stuff is eggs from a buggie of some sort that came up from Central America in search of a better life. Seems they have found it on every Sega Palm this side of Miami. "OK, so what do I do to get rid of it?" I asked.
"Hit me again, ma'am. Harder, please."
Anyway, we are two weeks into a month-long treatment program. Thus far, it looks as though I have not killed it yet. I do take some comfort in that. But I have paid 10 bucks for mulch and stone, and 30 bucks for some egg killer, for a green thing that cost me only 20 bucks in the first place. If that is not love, I donno what is. But I do know what hate is. As I was lovingly spraying my little Sega Palm on Sunday, my neighbor walked over to say hi. "White dust, huh?" she said. "Eggs from some critter, huh?" Yep; she had been there, too. "Yeah, I am treating this guy as best I can, but I donno if it is too late." "What are you using?" she inquired. And I proudly explained that I had grabbed one of the last remaining bottles of this magic elixir. "How did you get rid of them on yours?" I asked. "Oh, I just poured two tablespoons of Pine-Sol in a gallon of water and sprayed it once or twice. Now, mine is both healthy AND squeaky clean." Pine-Sol. Pine-Sol!! 79 cents worth of freaking Pine Sol!! If my Sega Palm does not make it, I am going to dig a hole in the ground, bury it, and place a marble headstone over it. No water needed. No Pine-Sol, either. That's why they call me Mr. Brownthumb.
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Exploring My Roots: A Chicowitz History
Membership details here.
Terrific boomer memorabilia!!
Remember this?
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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