[Editor’s note: A while back, Hershel warned us about that letter from
the AARP. By now, most of us have received it. But the warning that
Hershel provided is still valid. Boomers, pay attention.]
Well, you can’t say that nobody warned you. You can’t say you never
thought it would happen to you. Because it will; I
guarantee you; it will! I’m warning you... here and now.
Bill Geist wrote about it in his book, “The Big 5-Oh.” I am talking
about the most dreaded letter you have received since the draft board
sent you that ominous note that began, “Greetings...” I am referring
here to that letter from the American Association of Retired Persons
(AARP) inviting you to join the ranks of... old people.
Somehow the AARP has tapped into the government files. Every morning
they get a list of people about to turn 50. According to Geist, that
amounts to one every 7 1/2 seconds. (Not that there is any significance
to it, but I’ll bet that that is also the rate at which we lost our
virginity back in the sixties.... or for me, the eighties.) Anyway, the
AARP cranks out a letter to you scheduled to arrive on the very day you
have been dreading for at least fifteen years. I think this constitutes
piling on, and the AARP should be prohibited from sending you anything
reminding you of your age for at least six months after you turn 50.
(There’s a good chance you’ll be dead by then, anyway.) I’d suggest
proposing such a law to Congress, but the AARP lobbyists have most every
congressman in their back pocket, so it’s probably not worth the effort.
Anyway, they send you this cutsie letter telling you of all the benefits
that accrue to... old people. There is strength in numbers, they remind
you. For a mere $12 a year, you can become... an official old person.
Well, $12 a year every 7 1/2 seconds amounts to a pool of new revenue for
the AARP of about $33 million dollars per year. Over the next decade,
that’s a third of a billion dollars in NEW revenue for the AARP. Even
old people can count. Apparently they have figured that there is money
in numbers, too. The AARP is positioning themselves for a bonanza the
likes of which nobody has seen since Gerber Foods at the end of World War II.
So you can see why we have the undivided attention of the AARP. Not that
we want it.
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Hershel's kinda-like-a bio: