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BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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I'll admit this right up front... I am like Morris the cat. No, I do not
cough up hairballs, and I do not eat Nine Lives cat food. But I am an
extremely finicky eater. Meat and potatoes... burgers,
plain, as I wrote
here. A while back I explained
why I do not eat fish. A few months ago a client treated me to dinner at Charley's, the second best steak house in Tampa. Our server, Joshua, showed us what the top sirloin looked like:
 My kind of meal! A while back I asked my doctor if I should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Knowing my proclivities, and wanting to keep me as a paying customer, he replied, "You need to grasp logistical efficiencies at play here. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. Need grain? Eat chicken. A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetables." That is why he remains my doctor.
 I suppose it is not surprising then, that I want nothing to do with crab cakes. Oh, I am not jumping on those of you who love them; I'm just going to explain why crabs need have no fear of me and my palate. The topic came up during a meal at Tampa's fourth or fifth best steak house, Sam Seltzer's. My guest ordered something with mushrooms on it. (Why she did, I have no earthly idea; but she did.) She noted that her mushrooms were round, like marbles, rather than the usual mushroom shape. That got me to thinking... probably a mistake, I acknowledge, in hindsight. "I'm gonna' ask this very delicately, 'cause I do not want to hurt your feelings... and I am not sure I really want to know.... but what do mushrooms taste like?" I asked. "Well, actually, they have no taste at all. They are a one-cell delicacy... if you want to call it that." (No, I do not want to call it that, I thought; but wisely held my tongue.)
"Yeah," she explained. "Your parents cram them down your throat when you are young, and by the time you find out, it's too late." Not for me, it's not. "So, they are like mold, and they have no taste, and you're not sure why you eat them. Have I got that right?" "That's right; they have no taste. You have to bake or boil them, and soak them in sauce, beef broth, olive oil, vinegar, Pine Sol or wine for them to have any taste." (OK, I made up that part about Pine Sol. But it sure fits, doesn't it?) "So, essentially, then, mushrooms serve as a broth delivery device, huh?" I asked, with growing incredulity. "That's about it, I guess," my guest acknowledged. "Oh, except that some of them are poisonous," she added. Do you see my point here, friends?
Anyway, for her main course, she ordered crab cakes. Trying to recover from my earlier faux pax, I asked, in an upbeat tone, "So crab cakes must be much better than mushrooms, huh?" "Actually, these are pretty good," she offered. "Do you want a taste?" Her idea of a joke, I guess.
 See that.... looks like a hockey puck with a bad case of yellow fever.... and diarrhea. Anyway, I decided to change the topic after that. I was way out of my field. But later that night, as I drove home... alone, I got to thinking: exactly what are crab cakes? 'Cause if they are anything like rice cakes, I'd be terribly disappointed. Rice cakes look like a vanilla hockey puck -- and they taste about the same. Who thought that would be a good idea? Is a crab cake like a rice cake.... only crabbier? And don't tell me they taste kinda' like chicken..... I'm not buying that, not for a second! I may have just fallen off the turnip truck, but it was a short fall.... and I landed on a soft spot. When I hear the word "cake," I think of a soft, yellow inside, covered with thick, rich, chocolate frosting... and maybe some birthday candles on top. That is cake. Rice does not belong in that picture. Neither does crab.
I did some research on the Internet and discovered that crab cakes are crab meat stuffed in bread leftovers -- and shaped to look like a hockey puck. But of course. Why not? And why didn't I think of that? Every comedian under the age of 40 has commented about the courage of the first guy to drink milk. "Yeah, I'm gonna go up that 500-pound animal, put my hands under there, and squeeze those things. Then, when white stuff comes out, I'm gonna drink it." Well, I feel the same way about crabs. You're walking down the beach near the shore, and you see an ugly crusty-looking thing crawling across the sand:
 "Oh yeah; I'll chase down that sucker, yank off its legs, put them on a fire for a while... then eat them." I imagine his friend must have said, "Ah, you might wanna' shove those legs in some discarded bread before you eat it." And thus, we have crab cakes. Actually, you have crab cakes. I have meat and potatoes, thanks just the same.
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Exploring My Roots: A Chicowitz History
Membership details here.
Terrific boomer memorabilia!!
Remember this?
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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