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The BBHQ Boomer Essays:
My Kingdom for a Plain Burger
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Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes
frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is
sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We
hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays.
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I just got back from another agonizing trip to the golden arches. I
guess it's just another sign I'm getting older and out of touch. I eat
my burgers plain, nothing on them... plain; just the meat and the bun.
Plain. Pretty simple, huh? Just try to get a plain burger
at McDonald's; just try!
I always say the same thing: "I'd like a grill order..." ["Grill order"
is a code word at McDonald's for a sandwich made to order.] "I'd like a
grill order on a quarter pounder... plain. Plain, nothing on it; totally
plain; absolutely, totally, completely plain." And guess what? About
half the time, it comes with cheese on it. I always check the burger
before I leave the counter; when they get it wrong I say, "Let's try it
again. I'd like a grill order on a quarter pounder....." This evening,
the clerk explained that the last customer must have gotten the plain
one. (How much you wanna' bet?) So she asked the last customer to come
back to the counter. While checking, the customer spilled her coke all
over her burger and onto the floor. Plain? Nope.
So now McDonald's has wasted a coke and two quarter pounders... and has
wet sugarwater all over the floor. Is that any way to run a
business? Apparently McDonald's thinks so.
Once the pimply-faced clerk looked at my burder and said, "It is plain."
"What's that yellow stuff?" I asked. "Well, you ordered it that way,"
she said, defiantly. Ah, let's talk to the manager about that, young
lady. Time for a short lesson on customer relations. (Obviously this
young entrepreneur skipped that class up at "Hamburger U" at corporate
headquarters in Illinois.)
It all started about a decade ago when McDonald's realized that they
could make an extra $67 million dollars a year if everyone ordered their
quarter-pounder with cheese - 15 cents a pop for a 2-cent slab of cheese.
So instead of merely asking customers if they wanted it with cheese -
too much risk there - they made the quarter-pounder with cheese the
standard. They took the "Quarter Pounder" off the menu and replaced it
with "Quarter Pounder with Cheese." Ca-ching, Ca-ching.
I don't mind that; that's the free enterprise system. But that's why I
ask for a "grill order." I want it plain. Why is that so hard? One
helpful manager told me I should ask for a "quarter ham" - code word for
plain quarter pounder at McDonald's. But I don't see that on the menu.
That's why I ask for a "grill order." I know I'm being defiant, but I'm
just trying to get the clerk to listen to me and to take my order
properly. It's the lesson as much as it is the plain burger. I just
want them to think instead of acting like a mind-numbed robot. Just for
a moment. Is that asking for too much?
I know, I know; if I want it "my way," why don't I just go to Burger
King? You tasted their fries lately? Even their new fries?
Please!
So I printed a bunch of little "calling cards" with Webster's
definition of "plain" printed on them. Now I go from golden arch to
golden arch spreading wisdom to every paper-hatted, future corporate
mogal I can find. So some day, if your teenager comes home from work
with a little card with the words "lacking ornament; free of extraneous
matter" printed on it, you'll know I have made my mark.
It's just another one of my civic duties.
Click here to test your knowledge!
The Boomer Essays - On Being a Boomer:
Personal Stories of the Chicowitz:
Exploring My Roots: A Chicowitz History
A Trip to the Dentist
The Chicowitz Gets Dumped - Again!
Just Shoot Me!
He Sleeps with the Fishes
My Little Girl, Princess
Why am I Still Single?
The Plastic Surgery Saga
Our House is a Very, Very, Very Fine House... Not!
Our House - Part 2
Our House - Part 3: Reclaiming the Past
Middle Age and the Mazdamobile
Down for the Count
That Dirty Dancing
Contemplations on the Hereafter
Tool Time with the Chicowitz
The Chicowitz Goes Country
Born to be Screwed
Mr. Brownthumb
The Mixer - A Singles Story
Crab Cakes
Midlife Crisis:
The Defining Moment
The Saga Continues
Fighting Back
The Straight Scoop
In December, Traditions of Christmas:
1997: The Christmas Tree
1998: Remembrance.... and Friends
1999: Christmas Cards
2001: Songs & Stories
2002: The Gift of Giving
2003: Decorating the Tree
2004: The Christmas Pin
2005: The Making of the Christmas Card
2006: Christmas on a Toothpick
2007: The Paper Route Years
Merry Christmas, Y'all
Hershel's Wish List: 2004
The "A" List
Teach, Preach & Nag:
Courage and Class: Tony Snow
The New American Dream
A Grateful Heart
Things We'll Learn
The Death of a Friend
The Age of Non-Responsibility
"Thank You": Another Dying Phrase
The Saturday Night Live "Curse"
The Boomers, the Xers and Beyond
Rules, Boundaries and Consequences
It's for the Children
"American Beauty" - an American Nightmare
Of Values and Legacies
School Violence: Lessons from the Past
The Boomer Lyrics are with Us Everywhere
Everybody's Got a Story
Power to the Boomers
My Kingdom for a Plain Burger
Perception is Reality?
Oh Woe is Us!
It's Soooooo Hard
Take Care of Yourself
Public Service
The Universal Apology
The Leader of the Band
Travels with Princess:
A Camping We Will Go
A Camping We Did Go
Travels with Princess - Part 1
Travels with Princess - Part 2
Me and You and a Dog Named Princess
Savannah: Midnight in the Garden
Time to Think
On Top of Old Smoky
The Fall Leaves and Such
A View from Hurricane Alley:
The Big Scare
Before the Storm
After the Storm
Katrina:
Intemperate Thoughts
Information Misload
Wet Dream
Election 2004:
JF Kerry: Just the Facts
A Discussion of the Issues
The Election 2004 Quiz
Find a Bush Lie -- Collect $5,000
Talking Dirty in Washington
I Believe - The George W. Bush Edition
Inside John Kerry
Why Character Matters - Part Umpteen
Reporting for Duty
Is it Safe Yet?
Why We/They Hate Bush
Ronald Reagan: Hard-Wired Decency
What I Am
Nov. 8: Post-Mortem
Election 2006:
I Believe -- the Election 2006 Edition
A Civil Debate
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A Boomer Remembers...:
The 60s: Life was Sweeter
The New American Dream
Another Side of the Greatest Generation
Where has all the Music Gone?
Memories of the Sock Hop
Remembering the Chairman of the Board
Restless in Seattle
The New Math
We Are Not One Boomer
"And Here's to You, Joe DiMaggio"
The Days of Summers Past
The Seeds of Character
A Letter to a Teacher
I Want a Clark Bar!
When Music was Fun
Decoration Day - The Measure of Sacrifice
11/22/63: We Remember
Flashback: The Y2K Hysteria
When the Music had Words
Ronald Reagan: Hard-Wired Decency
The Great Carsoni
Love Songs of the Chicowitz
Do You Remember These?
V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N -- We're on Vacation!
A Watergate Success Story
Straight Talk on Social Issues:
Money 101: Incentive
Health Care: Solutions
Dr. Jack - A Man for Our Times
Misplaced Outrage: The Imus Affair
Global Warming Warning
Sin Offsets
Immigration: Good Fences
July, 2006: The Price of Freedom
Oh, Woe is Babs!
"Fair and Balanced"?
Lower Education
Boomer Retirement: "Hell No, We Won't Go!"
Social Security for Dummies
Feelings over Facts
Talking Down the Economy
The Little Red Hen
The Singles' Journal: Marriage
The Shadow IRS
The Dumbing Down of America
The Next, Great Entitlement
Voting Our way to Fairness
Straight Talk on Energy
We are Losing the Culture War
A Taxpayers' Bill of Rights
The Greedy Hand Extends its Reach
My Kingdom for a Candidate
Another Hat in the Toilet
We Have Met the Enemy
I'm From the Government & I'm Here to Help You
B. Clinton: The Case Against the President
B. Clinton: The Case For the President
Charlton Heston: The Culture War
Head Start: The Difference between Red and Blue
Labor Day - The Entrepreneur
It's Lonely at the Top
Kids on Drugs
Roe v. Wade Reality
Stem Cell 101
Vietnam: From a Distance
Iraq: Another Vietnam - ?
Mostly, Just Silly Stuff:
Sin Offsets
Menopause: Just for Laughs
The Fat Tax
Cell Phones & Other Crimes & Misdemeanors
Like Father, Like Son
Where Have You Gone, Walter Cronkite?
A Dire Warning to all Boomers
An Aging Boomer's Final Call to Action
BoomerSpeak
"American Pie": a Fresh Interpretation
Hail to Thee, My Alma Mater
Rock On!
The BBHQ Exam Story
Great Quotations
The $2.5 Million Pyramid
I Double-Dare You!
The Terrorist Attack of 2001:
The Best of Times
Showing Your Patriotism
"All We are Saaaaaaaa-ying..."
2004: Is it Safe Yet?
The Chicowitz on Iraq:
Politics for Dummies - Part I
Peace in Our Time
Yankee Go Home!
Bullhorn Responsibility
Blood for Oil!
Why We Fight
They Said - Part 1
They Said - Part 2
Why They're Wrong
** There's even more: The BBHQ Archives **
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff
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The BBHQ Album of the Month
is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD),"
by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert
last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This
album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of
the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the
concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison
Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a
must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you?
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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07/11/01
