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| BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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One of my favorite essays is called "Desiderata." You may recall hearing it as a kid: "Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence." But these days the line that jumps out and slaps me in the face is this one: "Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth."
OK; I'm ready to surrender a few things. I cannot run as fast or as far as I did when I was a kid. I don't drink as much beer as I did when I was younger. Heck, I don't even want to. Another Woodstock? No; not even if Grace Slick were on stage... naked.
Fine. I am thinking ahead; I'll be willing to surrender.... a few things.
But for me, accepting ravages of age does have its limits. I will never be my grandfather. Grandfather Chicowitz was a fine, portly old gentleman. But as an old man, he was an absolute yutz. Gramps had false teeth, and on Sundays he never bothered to put them in. I donno... "day of rest" or something. So he went walking around, flapping his gums like a fish out of water, gasping for air. It was so embarrassing that everybody would turn their head sideways when they talked to him. Nobody wanted to see him talking; hearing him was bad enough.
Now, I donno... I have soft teeth and enough mercury fillings to outfit a small chemical lab. So just maybe... maybe someday, I might need false teeth. But if I ever walk around the house without putting them in, please... please, just shoot me! That is not "gracefully surrendering the things of youth"; that is abusing the natural laws of decorum. Just shoot me.
About 20 years ago I was still going to an old-fashioned barber shop. I remember waiting once while the barber was giving a haircut to a man... who had no hair. Honest. I heard the sound of scissor blades slapping together. But there was no hair; there was nothing to cut! He was just going through the motions.
Nobody in my family has ever been bald. But if I should, for some reason, ever lose my hair, please do not let me go to a barber shop or a beauty salon, or a style center, or whatever... and expect someone to fake a haircut for me. Just shoot me; please!
But we're not done yet. Then the unspeakable happened. (I'm still in the barber shop, 20 years ago.) The barber grabbed a smaller pair of scissors, turned the old guy around, and I swear, began cutting his nose hairs. Oh please! Please; if that ever happens to me, just shoot me. Please!!
OK; I confess; just between you and me, I admit that I do have a few nose hairs. (This gets a bit ugly, friends. If you are faint of nose hairs, you may wish to skip this section.) I do not know why God found it necessary to stop growing hair on men's heads when they hit middle age. But I can live with that; it is not a big deal. But why He decided to start growing them in men's nostrils is beyond me? What... did He have a Homer Simpson moment? Was this His idea of a heavenly, practical joke?
No. When necessary, I can cut my own nose hairs, thank you just the same. I do not need Floyd the barber to do it for me. And don't get ahead of me here. If anyone ever buys me one those electric nose hair trimmers, I swear, I'll shoot them. I swear I will!
And why do these errant hairs grow at such supersonic speeds? I always take a close look at my face before I leave the house. Recently I have focused added attention to my nose and ears. I can leave the house at 6 p.m., perfectly groomed. But when I return at midnight, I occasionally notice a hair sticking out of my left ear lobe that is a quarter-inch long. How did that happen? Are Segfreid and Roy taking out some sort of personal revenge on me? (Shhhhh; reportedly, one of them has a twin.)
Last week I was behind some old guy in a bank teller line who, I swear, had an entire bird's nest growing in his ear. How can anyone let that happen? If I ever look like that, please... just shoot me.
I am a night-owl. I get it from my mother, who would always watch the late, late, late show... and then complain the next day about how horrible it was. If I ever get to the point where I am watching the Home Shopping Network for its entertainment value... just shoot me.
If I ever get to the point where I say, "Ya' know, that Jerry Springer is really a mighty caring guy"... just shoot me.
If I ever decide that Martha Stewart looks hot in a frilly apron.... just shoot me.
If I ever telephone my former college roommate and start the conversation with, "Tom... how's your prostate?"... just shoot me.
So, like many boomers, I am struggling with middle age. I am still pretty hearty, but I am trying to "gracefully surrender the things of youth." But some things I will hold on to till the day I die... like my guitar, my baseball glove, my Mickey Mouse ears and my "Meet the Beatles" album.
Say... while you're up, will you grab me another container of apple sauce, please?
Thanks.
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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