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BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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I'd like my story today to serve as a comforting message to you
middle-aged, single boomers out there, confirming that you are not the
only one struggling with your singleness. It could also serve as a
warning to those of you who might, in the dark of a cold night, think
that being single is absolutely one big blast after another. Having said
that, I am about to reveal a sad but true tale. I have done about everything that single guys are supposed to do to meet "Miss Right." OK, my experience at the bar scene lasted about 3 minutes. And I was recently rejected by eHarmony.com. Apparently someone in charge there read my essay titled "Why am I Still Single?" But aside from that, I have kept everything on the table. My most interesting experiences have been with a local social club. (Social club -- that's code for a place for fat losers* who cannot get a date.) The first event I attended was an outting called "Eight Restaurants in 80 Minutes." How was I to know that the eight restaurants were McDonald's, Burger King, Checkers, Hardee's, KFC, a place called Fatburger, Ya Ya's Chicken, and -- I swear I am not making this up -- Buca Di Beppo, which bills itself as "heaping helpings of yum"? It was the longest 80 minutes of my life. And no, I have not been back to Buca Di Beppo's since. But I decided to give it another try. The next event was a mixer at a member's house. The host was a friend I had known for a quarter century. So there would be at least one person I knew there. I arrived dressed well, fashionably late, but eager and enthusiastic. But as soon as my friend guided me into the living room, I sensed that something was wrong. John introduced me: "Friends, this is Hershel." And they all looked up, smiled, and replied in unison, "Hi, Hershel!" Yep; it reminded me of what I imagined an AA meeting to be like. I had to bite my lip to keep from replying, "Hi, I'm Hershel; and I'm a fat loser." Instead, I smiled weakly, waved limply at everyone, and looked for a throw rug to crawl under. No such luck. It turns out they had reserved a seat for me. It was between two other fat losers, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber, two not-so-pleasingly-plump Miss Piggy look-a-likes. As I stumbled to my chair, I realized that the seating was boy-girl, boy-girl, around the room in a circle. Aw, how sweet, huh?
The next event was called "the continuing story." Each fat loser was given a piece of paper with a sentence written on it. The first person started a story and had to talk for 60 seconds. The next person had to continue the story until he was able to work his sentence into the continuing story. Thank goodness I have managed to blot out the memory of my contribution. I have no idea how big a fool I made out of myself. But it could be no less severe than when I threw up on the school bus. I do recall, however, seeing what I might have thought was a framed, modern art drawing hanging on a wall. But I know that John's ex took all the modern art when she moved out. So, what was that profile of a burro doing on the wall on the other side of the room? Could it possibly be part of the next event... pin the tail on the ass? (Adult code word for donkey.) As soon as the continuing story came to a merciful end, I pleaded for a break. Everyone clapped again. So, John told us that there were finger sandwiches and punch in the dining room and a cooler in the adjoining kitchen. (Cooler -- code word for beer.) Well, within half a minute, it was just like the seventh grade dance - boys on one side of the room (the cooler side), girls on the other. Could it possibly get any worse than this? I was not about to find out. I carefully weighed my options. Should I stick my neck out even further, or should I cut my losses and bail out? Well, I looked at my watch and figured that I could still make it home in time for "The Golden Girls," the sitcom about four old hags living together in Ft. Lauderdale. Starring Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty, "The Golden Girls" had been my steady companions for many-a lonely Saturday night. As pathetic as that surely was (no offense, Bea), I made my decision. Next, I needed a plan.
 "How long you been here?" I whispered to the guy next to me holding a can of Coors. "Too long," he replied. "Well, what's keeping you from leaving?" I asked. "The guard at the door. I hear he is a former NFL lineman." We watched as a naive newcomer tried to make a break for the front door. A Lurch look-a-like came out from the shadows, put his arm around the innocent adventurer, turned him around, and headed him toward the punch bowl. A few moments later, shoulders slumped, he slithered over to the cooler side of the room. "Hit me again, barkeep." "Is that the only way out?" I asked the Coors guy. "Well, another guy headed out that door off the kitchen; it leads to the garage, I think. I donno... I haven't seen him since." Having once helped John with some minor electrical work, I knew that the circuit breaker box was just the other side of another door off the kitchen. My plan was taking shape. I slowly edged over to the door and, while Coors guy created a diversion, I opened the door, reached into the box, gave a mighty shove, and cut the power to the entire house. With the lights out and the girls screaming in the dining room, I bolted for the door to the garage. Of course it was pitch dark in there. But I saw a dim light in the corner. Yep; reminded me of that Jimmy Dean song:
And with all of his strength, he gave a mighty shove Big John, maybe. But not little Hershel. In another 90 seconds I was in my car and headed home. Sweet Bea Arthur, I'm comin' attcha'.
So, that was my experience with the singles mixer. No, I never went to another one. And I never missed an episiode of "The Golden Girls," either. And yes, I am still single. No surprise there, huh?
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Exploring My Roots: A Chicowitz History
Membership details here.
Terrific boomer memorabilia!!
Remember this?
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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