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Each week our Boomer-In-Charge, Hershel Chicowitz, has something to say about life, society, or what's going on... from the perspective of a baby boomer. This is what's on his mind the week of March 8:
Gee, there are a whole lot of miscellaneous items rolling around in my mind this week. I'm gonna try to pull them all together. Please be patient.
For 12 months, all we heard from the White House was that the people were sick and tired of the Monica mess. "The American people want to move on." Saving social security, education... these are the issues the American people are interested in. OK, so the trial is over; the issue is settled; now we can move on. But last week, 75 million people watched the interview with Monica on ABC. That is the highest rating for a news program in the history of the network. Online, Amazon.com was selling a copy Monica's tawdry book every 2 1/2 seconds.
So tell me this.... if ABC had instead broadcast a two-hour news special on saving social security... how many people would have tuned in? Anybody want to take a guess?
Yeah, the American people are sick of this. Remember that the next time the White House tells you what you want... or don't want; or like... or don't like. Bill Clinton feels your pain.
You know what else concerns me? All the legal bills. Early in the scandal, President Clinton said he would pay the legal bills of all the people dragged into this mess he created. How in the world is he going to do that? I know that The Hillary can make a ton of money on the lecture circuit.... just as long as she does not bring up cattle futures... or her failed health care plan... or her position on a Palestinian state... or Tammy Wynette. But how is she going to run for the Senate when she is out making all that money?
The "bridge to the 21st century." Remember, Bill Clinton promised us that in the presidential campaign? Do you suppose he has had time to work on that amidst all this chaos? Do you suppose that construction is running behind schedule? Time is running out.
And speaking of... December 31, 1999: What can the television networks do to usher in the new millennium for us? After all, an event like this won't happen for... another thousand years. This has to be something really, really special.
And "American's oldest teenager": Dick Clark.... isn't it about over for him?
I have been watching the New Year's Eve television countdowns every year since... since the last time I had a date.... which was at the height of Guy Lombardo's popularity. But Guy Lombardo is dead, Dick Clark may as well be dead, and just how many times can you watch that silly, oversized disco ball drop? Booooring!
Well, naturally it would be cruel of me to bring all this up without a solution. So, yes, I have one:
Let's forgo the Times Square thing, and instead cross over the bridge to the 21st century (the "B21C," as we techies refer to it) with our commander-in-chief (if he will admit that he is indeed the commander-in-chief) and his family, friends and associates. Remember the Christmas specials on TV in the sixties with Andy Williams and family.... Bing Crosby and his family? That's what I have in mind. How 'bout a televised evening with Bill and The Hillary, sitting in front of a fireplace in the East Room of the White House? The lead-in to the event of the millennium is a video tape of our favorite nineties punching bag, Rodney King, in his famous plea to the country, "Can't we all just get along?" What better theme could we have for the B21C?
So Bill and The Hillary introduce their family... Chelsea, Socks, Buddy, Hugh Rodham, Roger Clinton, and that other half-bother that surfaced a few years ago. And then, after a suitable tease and a commercial break ("Who could that be at the door?"), they welcome Monica Lewinsky, Kenneth Starr, and Linda Tripp. Oh, and of course, what party would be complete without James Carville and his wife, Mary Matlin? And who's that waddling up the driveway? Why it's Web Hubbell and his lovely wife! Sitting around the beautifully decorated room, sipping champagne, they all prove that they have indeed let bygones be bygones, and are walking over the B21C with their heads held up high, with pride, confidence, unity, and brotherhood. What on earth could be more uplifting? Is there a more positive message we could offer our children? See... they can get along. Isn't this the perfect metaphor that defines the nineties?
And serving as television host for the event... why, Jerry Springer, of course, the news host for the next millennium. After all, he already has the security force in place in the unlikely event things turn ugly.
Oh, I suppose it is expecting too much that Paula Jones would agree to drop by. But I'll bet they could talk Gennifer Flowers into appearing in a heartbeat; I'll bet they could even get her to do some of her night club act for them. Talk about a swinging party! But inviting Jaunita Broaddrick might be considered by some to be in bad taste - not that bad taste is at all a limiting factor these days. But the network could air short interviews with the absentee guests as they go to each commercial break.... Juanita as she described how Bill suddenly turned into a monster... Paula Jones as she pleaded for an apology from the president... Vince Foster, as he talked about how Washington was such an evil place. Oh, and how 'bout throwing in some of the tapes of the phone calls between Bill and Gennifer Flowers and Monica and Linda Tripp? And then, after the commercial, the whole group could laugh it up, and then talk about how they have moved on in anticipation of the 21st century.
I don't remember any of the commercials in the ABC Monica interview last week (pity for them... at $800,000 a pop), but I understand that British television lined up the makers of a stain remover as a sponsor for the British interview with Monica. Just a tad tacky, mateys; can't we do better than that? I'd suggest a special commercial just for the event by the Outback Steakhouse. You know, "No Rules, just right." And certainly, Louie the lizard will have something pithy to say about this party: "Is this any way to sell beer?" Perhaps a subtle commercial for the casual, but sensuous styles from the Gap? How 'bout one of those after-Superbowl, Disneyworld commercials: "Bill Clinton, you've just beaten a perjury wrap, and single-handedly destroyed the Republican party. What are you going to do now?" No, you can fill in your own punch line here, folks.
Fox Television supposedly offered Monica $5 million for an interview. Well, if Monica alone was worth $5 million, what do you suppose they would pay for the love-fest I am proposing? There is truly no limit. There would be enough to pay off every lawyer who can even spell "Lewinsky," all the money The Hillary needs to chew up Rudy Giuliani in the Senate race next year, money for 100,000 more cops on the street, the complete rescue of social security for the next thousand years, and perhaps just a small pay raise for the military, if there is any left over. It would have to be a pay-per-view thing, of course. But heck, I don't even have cable TV; but I'd get it just to be a part of this once-in-a-lifetime event.
I am no fashion mogul, and I would not begin to tell The Hillary how she should wear her hair. But personally, I like Monica better with her hair back, wearing that cute little beret. And whatever network lands this show would certainly be willing to pay Monica a couple million more if she would wear that blue dress. And at the end of the show, she could do just what she wants to do with it.... throw it right into the fireplace and watch it burn! As we hear a chorus of "Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow," can't you see the double exposure shot of the dress burning in the fireplace, and in the foreground, Bill, The Hillary, and Monica, all laughing it up in great humor? Sort of brings a tear to you eye already, doesn't it?
I have saved the best for last: While singing the last verse of Auld Lang Syne as the midnight hour approaches, they would all stand up, offer a toast to the 21st century, and then join together for a great, big, group hug, a la the finale to the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
Friends, I am bawling my eyes out just thinking about it.
If you want to write more, we're open to offerings from other boomers. If you have something to say of interest to boomers, write it as well as you can in 700-900 words, and send it to us. We can't guarantee we'll publish it, but we'll surely consider it.
For more of Hershel's essays, check the BBHQ Archives or the Boomer Essays.
Hershel will have something else to say on March 15; mark your calendar to come back to BBHQ every Monday.
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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