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Well, you can't say that nobody warned you. You can't say you never thought it would happen to you. Because it will; I guarantee you; it will! I'm warning you... here and now. Bill Geist writes about it in his book, "The Big 5-Oh." I am talking about the most dreaded letter you have received since the draft board sent you that ominous note that began, "Greetings..." I am referring here to that letter from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) inviting you to join the ranks of... old people.
Somehow the AARP has tapped into the government files. Every morning they get a list of people about to turn 50. According to Geist, that amounts to one every 7 1/2 seconds. (Not that there is any significance to it, but I'll bet that that is also the rate at which we lost our virginity back in the sixties.... or for me, the eighties.) Anyway, the AARP cranks out a letter to you scheduled to arrive on the very day you have been dreading for at least fifteen years. I think this constitutes piling on, and the AARP should be prohibited from sending you anything reminding you of your age for at least six months after you turn 50. (There's a good chance you'll be dead by then, anyway.) I'd suggest proposing such a law to Congress, but the AARP lobbyists have most every congressman in their back pocket, so it's probably not worth the effort.
Anyway, they send you this cutzie letter telling you of all the benefits that accrue to... old people. There is strength in numbers, they remind you. For a mere $8 a year, you can become... an official old person. Well, $8 a year every 7 1/2 seconds amounts to a pool of new revenue for the AARP of about $33 million dollars per year. Over the next decade, that's a third of a billion dollars in NEW revenue for the AARP. Even old people can count. Apparently they have figured that there is money in numbers, too. The AARP is positioning themselves for a bonanza the likes of which nobody has seen since Gerber at the end of World War II. So you can see why we have the undivided attention of the AARP. Not that we want it.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that I have not yet received my letter. But my OLDER sister has. So this is heresay information. Hearsay information from... an official old person.
Now, please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the AARP. As far as I know, it is a fine organization made up of very pleasant... old people. I just don't want to be thought of as one of them. I suspect it is the same for most of you. And I am not disparaging older folks, either. I have the utmost respect for the generation that pulled itself out of a worldwide depression and clobbered both Japan and Germany at the same time. Believe me; they know what real sacrifice is. We boomers may be able to come up with six different versions of "Louie, Louie," but we'll never be able to do that. Heck, we can't even read the riot act to Saddam Hussein with a straight face.
It's not just that I cannot think of myself as an old person, I cannot even think of myself as a retired person... or a potential retired person. The same goes for my sister. She is not old; she is my sister, and I can still beat her up... although I haven't had the inclination to do so in the last 40 years or so.
I think most boomers feel the same way. Even if we could, we have no intention of retiring when we are 65. So why be a member of an association dedicated to "retired persons"? I feel a closer kinship to the Mickey Mouse Club than the AARP. Heck, I've still got the ears. (You may sing along here: "Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E.") We're singing about the Mickey Mouse Club, not the AARP, for crying out loud!
If they want to attract me as a member (and they still have plenty of time to think about it... plenty of time), the AARP is going to have to do some serious image rebuilding. Let's start with the name. For a brief period back in the seventies, a few of their rebellious members called themselves the Gray Panthers. Kinda' lame now, isn't it? In a few years, they will be justified in calling themselves "The American Association of Baby Boomers." But that takes the wind out of my sails. Baby Boomers should be associated with real rock n' roll, doing your own thing, Disney World, Simon and Garfunkel... not some fat, bald guy riding around on a 3-wheeled, motorized scooter with a golf club in one hand while sucking wind on an asthma inhaler. No... just no.
OK, how about "The American Association of the Last Generation of People Who Can Compose a Complete Sentence." Or "The American Association of People Who Believe that Earrings are for Women Only." Let's work in that direction.
And the name of the related magazine will have to change, too. "Modern Maturity" just doesn't cut it. When I think of "Modern Maturity," I think of June Allison trying to convince my Aunt Elizabeth that wearing a diaper is somehow... sexy. And it won't feel any better when it is Lindsey Buckingham replacing June Allison, either. They just gotta' get away from that. Please!
They'll have to do a makeover on the cover of the magazine, too. In another decade, "Modern Maturity" should look more like "Rolling Stone" magazine. You won't see me perusing the pages of "Modern Maturity" till they put Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on the cover. Oh, wait a minute, maybe that is a bad example. I suspect Mick and Keith have already "been there, done that" - and nobody noticed anything unusual.
My sister clipped an article out of a recent issue that explains that AARP members should not be afraid to "drive" onto the information superhighway. I swear I am not making this up. They promote web sites titled "geezers online," the "geezer brigade," the life expectancy calendar, "senior frolic," and "Dr. Jack makes house calls." OK, OK, I made that last one up... but it's not a bad idea.
Anyway, when you get that dreaded letter in the mail... and trust, me, you will, just do what many of you did when the letter from the draft board arrived. Just throw it away and move to Canada. But remember, you can run, but you can't hide. So keep doing your pushups. And remember to renew your subscription to the Hair Club for Men. The lifetime offer from them is very, very appealing.
Hershel will have something else to say on Monday, March 23; mark your calendar to come back to BBHQ every Monday.
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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Copyright © 1998 Baby Boomer HeadQuarters (BBHQ) All rights reserved.
rev. 11/29/98