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I had such a good time predicting the future of the Internet last week that today I have decided to expand to the universe. Fasten your seatbelts.
This all started in 1988 when I wrote to my friend Marc and predicted a big future for an obscure governor named Bill Clinton. Well, today I'm warning you about Paul Wellstone. He's gonna' run for president.
But no, this isn't the reincarnation of Jeanne Dixon. Although I was highly impressed when I received e-mail from her last year... five months after her death. That lady had some reach!
Besides, if I really could predict the future, I'd be up in Connecticut buying a Powerball ticket. ...which is another point: if these psychics can really predict the future, how come they're not out there winning the lottery every week?
You've no doubt seen Martha Stewart on television promoting her line of products at K-Mart. One ad shows her enthusiastically perusing the aisles of the too-cool, discount department store. (Of course, another ad shows her driving up in an 18-wheeler.) OK, here's my number 1 prediction: You'll never see Martha Stewart standing in the checkout line at a K-Mart. Never! Not - going - to - happen!
And speaking of... K-Mart and Target will both vie for the services of Dolly Parton to promote their expanding foundation department. Whichever one wins... will take home a big prize... or two.
Reminds me of that old joke about the proposed merger of Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company and IBM: they plan to build a computer that makes snap decisions.
Guess you had to be there.
Three months ago, on the tail of the wild El Nino winter, climatologists were predicting an unusually active hurricane season. Well, we're two months into it, and I'm still hanging in there. My prediction: one of the most mild seasons since they began keeping records. But keep those batteries ready... I could be wrong.
"Seinfeld" was one of my favorite television shows; it's a great ensemble cast. But it will have a limited life in re-runs. A few years from now everyone will wonder what was so funny about it. Funnier than "The Honeymooners"? I don't think so.
I haven't seen it yet, but Spielberg has done it again. "Saving Private Ryan" is the movie of the year. No need to even send out any ballots.
Taxes: both political parties are working on their own plan to cut taxes. That alone is enough to make me nervous. But then again, why not? It is an election year after all. Last year I think Congress passed a law prohibiting taxes on purchases made over the Internet. Oh yea... that'll last. Wait till the total amount goes over $10 billion a year and the federal budget surplus dries up. I guarantee you they'll start taxing Internet commerce! So enjoy it while it lasts... 'cause it ain't gonna' last long! Cleveland? World Series champions!?! In my dreams. They have to get past the Yankees first.
It took over 30 years for someone (Roger Maris) to break Babe Ruth's home run record. (Of course, it also took an expansion of the season to 162 games.) Well, it's been over 30 years again... and no expansion of the season - just a contraction of the left field fence. Maris' record is going down! Count on it.
Speaking of... on the Monica watch... Bill Clinton will stick to his story: "More rather than less, sooner rather than later." But that's all we're ever going to get from him on the topic. And sooner or later, Kenneth Starr will send his report to the House of Representatives. Once in the political arena, Bill Clinton will do what he does best... (or perhaps, second best): make fools of his political opponents. But the details will be horribly juicy and pathetically sickening. He will serve out his term, but he's a wounded, lame duck. The next two years of his presidency will be just as active as the last two have been. Hold on!
After that, he and The Hillary will go house-hunting in Little Rock... a first for them. But Bill Clinton will not actually return to Arkansas any more than Bob Dole returned to Kansas. For the Clintons... I see a high profile life... in California, perhaps Hollywood... you know: "swimming pools; movie stars." Serves them all right.
However, even though the public claims it doesn't care, any candidate for president in 2000 will be grilled to the nth degree on his extra-marital sexual proclivities. None of our business? Say again? The only thing consistent will be the hypocrisy.
Another item on the political front: I hear that James Carville has taken time off from his full-time job ripping Kenneth Starr to predict that the Democrats will re-take the House in November. That's good enough for me. A year and a half ago on NBC's "Meet the Press," he also predicted that Newt Gingrich would not be re-elected speaker. Then, after Gingrich was, Carville predicted that Gingrich would be forced to resign before the end of 1997. A few years ago, this fool had the nerve to write a book called "I'm Right, They're Wrong" - really. He hasn't been right since. So it's a lock: the Republicans will retain control of the House. Once again, I'm right, he's wrong!
Presidential Press Secretary Mike McCurry is calling it quits. And he's ahead of the crowd. Shortly after the elections in November, we'll see several members of the Clinton administrations jumping ship. A metaphor at this point involving the Titanic is almost more than I can resist.
If I were to claim that the president is a dispicable individual, it would raise some eyebrows; some might say it was a partisan and presumtuous statement. Eighteen months from now, when I claim that the president is a dispicable individual, the general reaction will be, "Yeah, so tell us something we don't know."
One more political prediction: As I recall, the eighties was supposed to be the "decade of the woman." Of course, a year ago Representative Susan Moinari thought that this would be her year at CBS. Whew! I see the former representative and former morning-show anchor standing in the unemployment line. But I think that, in fact, 2000 will be the year of the woman. Both parties will nominate a woman for vice-president - the Republicans because they have a good candidate, and afterwards, the Democrats because they haven't had an original thought since 1966. Heaven forbid what will happen if Ross Perot feels he has to follow the pack. Ross Perot and Janet Reno? Yeah, I can see that. But it sure ain't pretty!
And speaking of the year 2000, this "Y2K" crisis - the chaos that will occur when computers can't recognize the year 2000 - that's one of the biggest frauds since.... since the Clinton campaign of 1992. These "Y2K consultants" make lawyers look humble and honest. The supposed problem on January 1, 2000 will turn out to be a big nothing. Planes falling out of the sky, the stock market in shambles, ATM's going dead, paychecks failing to compute payroll? Fooey... a bunch of crap. Oh, sure there'll be some minor, temporary problems. But an international crisis? Hardly. I guess the press has to have something to worry about. But it's a fraud on the public, I'm telling you.
And my final prediction... for this issue: By the turn of the century, teenagers all over the country will be saying, "Spice Girls? Is like that... like... some kind of... like aftershave?"
My, how far the mighty do fall.
If you want to write more, we're open to offerings from other boomers. If you have something to say of interest to boomers, write it as well as you can in 500-800 words, and send it to us. We can't guarantee we'll publish it, but we'll surely consider it.
Hershel will have something else to say on Monday, August 3; mark your calendar to come back to BBHQ every Monday.
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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Copyright © 1998 Baby Boomer HeadQuarters (BBHQ) All rights reserved.
rev. 11/29/98