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| BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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I am in the midst of a massive home remodeling project. Actually, it is more of a phase of my life than a mere project. I've been working on it for the better part of a year, and there is no end in sight.
I'm an amateur weekend handyman. I like to work with my hands, though I am not particularly good at it. My introduction to making stuff was in a summer shop class at Byron Junior High in Shaker Heights, Ohio when I was about 13. (The instructor was Mr. Tapendee.) Yep; while the other kids were outside playing baseball, I was building a Scotty dog lamp. That's right; a Scotty dog lamp - you know, the little table-top lamp shaped like a dog with a plaid coat (that's why it's called a Scotty dog, folks). Anyway, you yank his tail, and the light goes on.
Really. Wait... I have a picture of him here:
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Yes, I still have it. Actually, I have two of them. The enhanced version
includes a piece of red felt in his mouth simulating a tongue, though it
is hard to see in this picture. You may note some ragged edges on his
tail. He got in a friendly tussle with my first Australian Shepherd, RJ,
and came out on the short end of the deal. At 14 I graduated from lamps to a footstool and then a tile table. For this class, the instructor was Mr. Woodell. (Yes; I have them, too. I donno' why you would want to see the pictures; but they are here.) |
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Scotty dogs are one thing; building an entertainment center is something entirely different. So before I began, I had to buy some tools. My father taught me not to blame the tools when I messed up a job. But you can't pound a nail in the wall with a screwdriver. Believe me, I have tried.
So last year I grabbed my credit card and my "must have" list, and headed down to the Home Depot: Disneyworld for the weekend woodshop warrior. We take it for granted, but Home Depot is a marvel of the free market system: so many tools, so little time.
Every guy remembers the first time he walked into a Home Depot. In my case, it was May.... 1987.... I think it was a Thursday. For me, it was just like the first time I opened a Playboy centerfold: all those tools - and all of them way out of my range. Still... I could ogle. And ogle, I did. Right out in the open.
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Actually, after a quarter century of ogling, I finally got a chance to
touch a real, live Playboy playmate - Miss July 1985. But that's strictly
a guy story; I'm sure you don't want to hear it.
 
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I am referencing Home Depot here 'cause it is my favorite. But Lowe's is
about the same. Actually, I think that Home Depot caters primarily to men
- it's a manly place. When I go there, I think of Quint,
the crusty fisherman in "Jaws":
Lowe's, however, is trying to appeal to the ladies as well as the men. That's fine. When I think of Lowe's, I picture Rosie O'Donnell with a hammer in her hand - a scary notion, but the thought usually passes quickly. If you pay close attention when you walk in the entrance to a Home Depot, you will notice the smell of musk. When you speak, your voice goes down an octave. You know you are in a man's place. The entrance to Lowe's, on the other hand, carries a faint whiff of... I believe it is huckleberry... or jasmine - "Tool Time" meets "Will and Grace."
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I donno... when I go to the grocery store I can always find what I want. Eggs: the dairy section. Meat: over there where it says "meat." But have you ever tried to find a dryer vent at Home Depot? It's like trying to find a vile of sarin gas in Iraq: No directions and no one around to help.
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Oh, I was not above asking for help. But I had yet to master the art of
getting the attention of a fine, knowledgeable, Home Depot associate. I
looked for the guy (or gal) wearing an orange shop apron (funny how they
call it an apron, huh?) - and I stood in line; there are always 2-3 people
standing around him. And I waited... and I waited... and I waited. I am not one of those pushy people who breaks in and says, "Can you tell me where I can find a dryer vent?" Nope; it's just not in me. I can't do that. But I have had guys just turn and walk away when it was my turn. The last time I tried, I backed the guy into a corner; when it was my turn, the schmuck yanked out his cell phone and called his girlfriend. Honest. I just don't have the touch. |
 Oh yeah; like she is going to be there to help me! |
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Failure was not an option. So the next time I went to Home Depot, I was prepared. If you have the same problem, take detailed notes, here, friends. This really works.
I figured that the way to get their attention was to let them know that I was serious about buying stuff - lotsa' stuff. I crammed twenty dollar bills in my shirt pocket. I practiced the "totally desperate" look in the mirror before I left home. And I was not afraid to use props:
Make no mistake, this was not a half-hearted effort. Sometimes you need to get their attention coming and going:
And sometimes you have to be very specific to ensure that they point you in the right direction:
Believe me, folks; it gets their attention. It works!
(But when you try to take pictures of it, it also gets you thrown out of the store.)
So after humiliating myself, I was amblin' down the tool aisle, minding my own business... when, out of the blue, it hits me! I glanced to the right and there it was, smack-dab at eye-level, sticking out like Raquel Welch's left... elbow: a basin wrench. That's right, friends, a basin wrench! Oh, but not just an ordinary basin wrench. Look at the package closely:
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It's a telescopic basin wrench!! Imagine that! What will
they think of next? And you can use it in English, Spanish and, I believe, Italian! I had to have one. I just had to! Now, mind you... I have not the slightest idea what a basin wrench is or what you are supposed to do with it. But it makes no difference. My impressive collection of tools now includes a basin wrench. $26.95. Oh, wait! Please don't tell me what it is for. Please, please! If I knew, I would have to find a project for it. I have a hunch it has something to do with plumbing. And me doing plumbing is like Michael Jordan singing a duet with Elton John. It is like putting Ted Kennedy behind the wheel of a car. It is not meant to be. Please, just let me wallow at the glory of the basin wrench hanging on my shelf. |
Oh - and a reciprocating saw. Rule number one of shop tools: you cannot have too many saws. Everybody should have a reciprocating saw. Nope; I don't know what it is for... something to do with cutting things. Doesn't matter... you cannot have too many saws.
I did not buy one of those; I was too close to hitting my credit limit. But in case my sister is reading this.... well, she now knows what to get me for Christmas.
Right now, I am working on an ottoman. I am not exactly sure what an ottoman is, but I am building one. If I ever finish it, I'll show you a picture.
Anyway, I'll be working on the remodeling phase of my life for at least the next 18 months. When I'm done, I'll invite you all down for a tour of the place. If you happen to be in the Tampa area, stop on by.
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We'll leave the light on for you.
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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