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BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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One of the personal questions I get asked most frequently is why I am still single. I usually dodge the question. Being single has its advantages, though I am not a good solo act. I am not sure I have a satisfactory answer, anyway.
I guess the main reason is that I have very eclectic tastes and am extremely picky. I like what I like. What I don't, I don't. The worst part is that I am getting fussier as I get older.
I guess it boils down to this: De gustibus non disputandum est.
Having said that, for the eligible women out there, I guess I should offer a brief explanation of my criteria. The rest of you may find this oddly amusing.
Or maybe just odd.
For starters, no, we are not going to go through the "Did you ever inhale?" thing. Because smoking... smoking anything is more than a habit; it says something about you. Roughly translated, it says, "Stay away!" Remember a few years ago when women smoking cigars was chic? Well, it never was around me. Never will be. I never understood the appeal of tobacco smoke, or people who find it appealing. You all belong somewhere... but not around me.
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Unlike most men, I have no interest in younger women. Never trust anyone
under 30. But, to be honest, this has not been a limiting factor for me.
No woman under the age of 30 has expressed any interest in me in over a
decade. We have to be able to have something to talk about. Deep
discussions of "Friends" and Courtney Love's latest antics (over there on
the right) ain't gonna' cut it.
 Music is a huge part in my life. I love the oldies... boomer music. One of the things I will spring on you on our first date will be to ask you to name the Beatles... right off the top of your head. If you stammer with the last one, and finally blurt out "George Hamilton," well, it may be an early evening for both of us. On the other hand, if you constantly call the local oldies radio station to request "Bang-Shang-a-Lang" by the Archies... we may have to go through some behavior modification. And if you think that Simon & Garfunkel is a new-age salad dressing.... you may have to spend some time at a re-education camp.
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Earrings: Earrings do not impress me, but I have no objection, in principle. The principle, however, ends at two, one in each ear. I want to be impressed by you, not your jewelry. Oh, and earrings belong attached to the ear, not the nose, or the eyebrow, or the navel, or... you know, anywhere else where they might get in the way.
Tattoos? No. Especially you-know-where. Tattoos indicate an inability to express oneself in conventional ways. I saw a woman on "The Jerry Springer Show" who said she had a tattoo on her... right buttock. It was the face of Donald Trump with the words "Best sex I ever had" etched below it. No. No! The smiling face of The Donald is not what I want to see when I am... close to you. No.
The Weight Thing
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Let's get this out of the way. I know that most boomers are overweight.
But I have to be honest here... fat women are not a turn-on to me. (To be
fair, neither are fat men, mind you. But that is way, way,
way out of my range.) I know that fat women need love, too.
But they're not gonna' get it from me. We can have intelligent
conversations; we can laugh; we can be best friends. But we will never be
busy beavers beneath the bed sheets. That's just the way it is.
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I admit, I am not as trim as I was in my 20s, either. But I am not fat.
(That's me out on my first -- and last -- date with a girl I called
Tupperware Tess. It was a blind date; I was told she had a great
personality.) So here is the test: we'll go to a park and sit on a
seesaw, feet on the ground. When we lift our feet up, I'd prefer that
I go down and you go up.
 But if I go up, it had better take me at least three seconds to reach the top. If it takes less, and you end up on the ground, it's over. You can just get up and walk away. But do so slowly, please. I have some assets I wish to protect for the next woman in my life. |
Height: Demonstrating that I am indeed flexible, I will tell you that I have no height restrictions. I'm 5' 7"... on a tall day. If you're 4' 11", you'll make me feel like a giant. If you're 6' 2"..... well, we may have some difficulties making all the parts fit together. But I'm up to the challenge.
Teeth: you must have a full set, and they must be your own. (Is that so unreasonable?) Hair: same thing. Breasts: I'm a little flexible here, but only on the ownership part.
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Children: I like kids; I really do. Well-behaved kids. I suppose there is
considerable variation in the interpretation of "well-behaved." We could
spend a lifetime arguing over that. (Though, the little lady over there
represents my idea of well-behaved.) So... if you have kids, they should
be under two or over 30... just to play it safe. Let's move on. Pets: I like pets. Dogs, cats, and even, I guess, birds and ferrets. But I set the limit at rats. Who would have a pet rat? Imagine a woman with a pet rat named Snuggles. I don't think so. |
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One of my firm requirements is the ability to speak the English language... clearly and effectively. I gotta' tell you, a woman who speaks in cohesive, well-formed, grammatically correct, complete sentences is a huge turn-on! Consistent subject-verb agreement is music to my ears. Avoidance of the passive voice and proper use of the subjunctive mode... and we're almost there. And a solid vocabulary... well, it shudders my loins just to think of it!
Now, one can go overboard.... just like too much cleavage, excessive use of polysyllabic words is just plain gross. But that is part of the appeal. Like a low-cut blouse, you need to know when enough is enough.
You must be able to get through an entire evening without using the word "like," as in, "So I'm like, 'What's that all about?'" Believe me, it's a deal-killer.
But you get no extra credit for being multilingual. There is no need to impress me with French, Spanish or Yiddish. (Although, an occasional, well-placed "Oy, vey!" can be cute.) And if you speak fluent Farsi, the CIA has a place for you.
So does any inner-city fast food restaurant.
But I do not.
I am an old-fashioned, conventional guy. But if you want to open your own doors and pay for your share of the evening date, that's fine with me. Just don't make a big deal of it. And if you should want to pay for both of us, well... I am flexible there, too. Be my guest... or actually, my host.
We can go in my car or yours. I will pick you up or you can pick me up. It honestly does not matter in the slightest to me. But...
Twenty years ago I would have wanted you to be impressed by my car, a 1981 Mazda RX-7. Today, I merely want you to tolerate my car, a 1981 Mazda RX-7 with 515,000 miles on it. That's right... half a million miles. (Indy was right; it's not the years, it's the mileage.) Hey, in another three years, it will be considered a "classic." So will I. Get used to it.
I like doing things at home... your home or mine. I do not care how big or small your house or apartment or condo is. But... I do have a few restrictions. I will not come to your house if you live in a gated community. A moat? If necessary, yes. A gate? No.
I once dated a woman who lived in one of those fancy, schmancy places. I had to get a clearance from a uniformed security officer before I could get to her house. Gees, I think he ran a credit report and criminal background check on me before he let me pass through the gate. But perhaps the guard was checking the wrong person. My date turned out to be a former auditor with Arthur Andersen. Gees! I should have brought along my handcuffs!
And speed bumps are a no-no. (Remember; I drive a 24 year-old car with 515,000 miles on it.) If I have to go over more than one speed bump to get to your house... our first date will be our last.
So I am prepared and eager for commitment. But it has to be the right woman, with the right stuff.
Oh... if you know the translation of "de gustibus non disputandum est" right off the top of your head... well, I have a sparkling, 2-carat diamond engagement ring (a family heirloom) waiting for you.
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Whew! Did we set off a firestorm here! Most comments were along the
lines of this from Shari:
Though long-time visitor Wayne thinks Hershel is far better off as he is:
An anonymous reader gets off to a shaky start... but ends strong:
Regular visitor Wmex has the whole thing figured out:
Linda, one of our favorite visitors, writes:
On top of that, Pat finds Hershel to be boring:
Claire comes up with her own term to describe Hershel's dream girl:
Elaine is a tad more charitable:
One of our younger visitors has Hershel pegged:
Hershel replies: "Let's see now... she's 17, she's 'in a relationship,' and she can't sleep. Nah.... just too easy; I'll let it go." Nadine does not quite "get" this essay. But she has some serious observations about Hershel's "quagmire":
Hershel tried to be tactful here; but he has a serious response, too: "There is nothing in my essay which indicates I am looking for perfection. I do not expect everyone to have the same morals, beliefs and standards as I do. But I do expect the person with whom I intend to spend the rest of my life to share my morals, beliefs and standards. That is what is known as compatability." "Though, I do see your point. I know a lot of people who have compromised on their wants/needs. I call them "divorced." And unfortunately, I do not find that 'special.' In fact, I find it tragically common." Canadian visitor Nancy puts Hershel in his place; she gets the last word:
Amen, sister!!
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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